This morning when I was getting dressed for work I was reminded by a voice in my head (Dee and Cindy) telling me it is time to give up those baggy pants and be who you really are. In the last few weeks since losing so much weight a lot of my clothes are hanging off of me (and comments have been said). But this week it has really hit close to home. On Monday at the gym I was wearing my usual work clothes (baggy pants, shirt etc) and when I got redressed after swimming I noticed how BIG my pants really are and just what everyone keeps telling me - and this morning when I was getting dressed I had to keep pulling up my pants (most of my pants are nylon and elastic bands). My emotions right now are going crazy - I know this is great news but my baggy clothes are my security of who I am - Am I really ready to be the real person I am inside? Am I ready to give up my security blanket? It is always scary to me to try new things (but I do believe you at least have to try them once before saying no) and also knowing that I have to "dress" the way I need too (clothes that actually fit) I am scared out of my mind!
Last month I did buy some jeans and this week I am going to try and find another pair that I can live with and also try and wear them out and about so I can get comfortable with the new me. This transition is like all the others it is just something that has come and I need to get out there and show everyone who I really am and not be afraid of the outcome. But my insecurities are eating me alive – what other people see is not what I see. I still think of myself as that 322 lb person (pic to the right) and when I look in the mirror that is all I really notice. Self image is the toughest part – I am my worst enemy and I know it and I am trying to move past that but after all of these years of being obese and not caring it is really hard to let go of that part of yourself and let the real you out. But this week I am going to take a giant leap of faith and trust myself enough to emerge from my cocoon and be the beautiful butterfly I truly am. I keep being reminded by my Son “you are the strongest person I know” so I better prove it to him and stop keeping myself from being who I am.
I promise to take pics (I know I keep saying that but I will) and post them this weekend. Watch out everyone the new Mara is about to explode on the scene!
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- Theodor Seuss Geisel
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