Music to my ears.....

On CNN today there is an article for "How to walk off the belly fat"...this is music to my ears because that is one of the areas I have been working on for the last 3 months and yes it is starting to work some but as impatient as I am - I am always looking for other ways to help me with the that specific problem area. To read the entire articles go to: http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/diet.fitness/08/29/healthmag.walk.fat/index.html

I don't know about all of you but this is one of areas I have that I so want to see change. I am just trying so hard not to focus on just one area but this is the one that until I see a significant difference I will not be happy. I bought a new shirt yesterday to wear to the gym and one of my pet peeves is I don't like clingy clothes and this shirt kind of hugs my middle and I was feeling a little self conscious so I asked my Mom how does it look? She said well you can tell that you are getting smaller in that area and it looks good. I so appreciate her complimenting me but I don't feel the same way. I am sure all the exercising I am doing is making a difference but as I told her until I see it - I cannot see it the way she does. Yes, I admit I should not be so negative (I am still working on it guys) my journey has taught me something new each day and it is teaching me to be more patient with myself and I am just not there yet. Don't get me wrong I love hearing the compliments I receive but again until I see it I am never going to be able to see myself any other way than that 322 lbs person I have been for so long.....I am sure I hurt peoples feelings when I say thanks but I don't agree - But again a lot people don't get how it is to be overweight and how we struggle each day as I have said in some of my past post you have to live it to understand the struggle. One of my good friends told me unless they have been overweight they don't get what is in our heads. And she is right I never really thought of it that way until she pointed it out to me.

So thanks you guys for giving me those wonderful compliments please keep them coming and know I do appreciate them but understand that until I see the results I will never see what you see.

Another one of my favorite quotes (and it rings true for me each day):

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
Eleanor Roosevelt

Motivation, don't give up

I have noticed in the last few weeks a lot of the blogs I visit are talking about how to keep up your motivation. Deb at http://weightfordeb.wordpress.com/, talks about Self-Motivation and how at her gym she was given a homework assignment for a weekend to track your motivation for workout - it is a good read please go by and see what she did to keep on track.

Zandria at http://www.zandria.us/archives/main/2008/08/19/strip-aerobics-shake-it-like-its-hot/, is taking a strip aerobics class and I have to say I am inspired to see if I can find one. Go by and see how the class went and what she learned.

Lynn at http://www.lynnsweigh.blogspot.com/, has been on maintenance for over a year and still has to find the motivation to keep up with her program. Lynn is my inspiration so go by and see why she deserves our praise.

I know in my case I have to motivate my self everyday. I have noticed that in the past few weeks since I had my break down over gaining 4 lbs and then losing it - I have found the motivation I need to push forward. It is tuff but it can be done - I just make sure I surround myself with the people who are positive and who are also working for the same goals I am - Don't give up on yourself it takes a lot of courage to pick yourself up and move forward - I know it is for me but remember we are all in this together.

How we view ourselves..........

On one of my favorite websites http://fabulously40.com/index2 the question was asked; if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I like this question...it is one I ask myself almost everyday. I can think of at least 100 things I would love to change but for this journey the one that sticks out the most for me is:

To stop judging myself - I do not think highly of myself at all. I make jokes about myself just so I don't have to face the truth (and it makes be feel better to laugh about it) and there are many reasons why I do this but in the end I am the only one who can change that. This journey has open me up to so many emotions, thoughts and just the way I live my life everyday that I cannot even put into words - it is like being on a roller coaster and not being able to see where you are going. It is hard to admit when you are wrong and this is one of the times I know I need to be kinder to myself and be proud of what I have accomplished and also of who I am as a person. One of my friends reminded me the other day, you have the courage to do this just know that you can. She is right I can do this!

If you had to answer this questions what would be your answer?

The little things that count!

Last night I was reminded of the little things that can touch your life and if you are not paying attention you will miss it. I have a friend that I have known for over 13 years and she has a daughter that is 12 (I was there when she was born and over the years she has become the daughter I never had) and in the past few months she has called me a couple of times to check on how I am doing and always ends our calls with I love and miss you. If she only knew how much those words mean to me and how she makes me believe in myself just by saying how proud she is of me while I am on my journey and just how it touches my heart - I think she would be surprised. At 12 years old she is quite the young lady and when I make jokes (as I always do) about my weight and how I need to do better she always tells me you are beautiful the way you are. Children are the most honest people you will ever meet - they tell you like it is so just because you think one way they let you know the truth good or bad. So let this be a lesson for all of us just because we cannot see how beautiful we are take the words of a child and see that you are - I know I do!

Like riding a bike.....

Swimming who knew it could be so much fun and hard work at the same time? I didn’t - Tonight I started my first night of swimming exercises and I have to say it was a lot of fun. And I also learned it is like riding a bike, you never forget how (I was reminded by my trainer Donna). Of course I had to pump myself up which I did not do a good job at - I was just really nervous and my stomach began to ache I tried to shake it off - I proceeded to change so I could get ready to start my next adventure. Of course Donna was ready to go and already in the pool so there I was walking as slowly as I could looking down just so I would not have to make eye contact with anyone I got to where she was and I got in as fast as I could so not to waste anytime. Many of you might not know that this is the first time I have been in a pool in over 15 years so I was really nervous so along with that and I never know what my trainer is going to ask me to do (which makes it a lot of fun) I was on pins and needles (and when I am nervous I talk a lot which is annoying). So I get in and she asks me to put some flippers on my feet (of course she had to help me I am so helpless LOL-you guys should feel for her!) and our first exercise was too walk from one end of the pool to the next about 3 times. Let me just say it may seem easy but it is a lot harder than you think and it really does take a lot of effort to do it. Then we had this little board (not sure what it is called) and we proceeded to swim with it in front of us and move our feet with the flippers still on back and forth - by this time I am really tired and thinking what have I gotten myself into but I have to say I was having a ball I never knew it could be this fun – Don’t get me wrong it is a lot of hard work to just make it through the first 30 mins. but then it just started to come so easily. We then went on to do some other exercises with the flippers, hopping on your toes and also leg lifts all the way down and back up again. I did not think this was going to be that hard or I would be so sore but let me tell you I am! But in a good way. I know I have done something worth wild and something that will lead me on that journey I so desperately want to achieve. There is this new board at the gym where success stories are posted and Donna always reminds me when we pass it - you will be up there one day and of course I just say sure – but I know I can do it and I will be on that board one day and I can be proud of what I have done.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for supporting me through another one of my crisis. I just keep over analyzing a situation instead of just letting it come easy. And to Donna my trainer you were right it is a lot of fun and thanks for being on this journey with me you make it worth wild and fun along the way. I have attached a pic of my swim attire (Get out your sunglasses you are going to need them and I really want some board shorts so I am going to make that a goal for next year).

Weigh In and believing in me!

I got great news today..............I lost 5 lbs! I am so excited there are no words I can come up with that describes how I feel right now. I have been struggling for the last few weeks with my weight staying at 309 - so to my surprise today when I went by the doc's office to weigh in I could not believe it. I actually can see my goal at the end of the long tunnel - and now I only have 5 lbs to go to reach the goal I set for myself of being less than 300 lbs. by September. I have really been down on myself the last few weeks and I think I was focused so hard on the numbers on the scale that I forgot about believing in me. This journey has been the most emotional one I have ever had to go through - the ups and downs, the good times and bad it all comes with change and I have to realize that even though I feel like I am losing this battle that I am actually winning it. I really feel sorry for my poor Mom and trainer they just don't understand all the emotions I go through on a daily basis. Sometimes I could just sit down and cry but I have to remind myself that this is something I am doing for myself and the only person that can succeed is me! Everything I do is a choice and making the right ones is who I am - it is tough but I look forward to the day I can say "I finally made it".

Tomorrow is the day I start my training in the pool - I am kind of excited but the horror of having to show my legs is what is stuck in my head but I know that believing in me is what will get me through the day.

Another one of my favorite quotes:

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.Eleanor Roosevelt

Excuses and I am going to give it a try!

Ok, I have so many excuses for not following through with my weekend - I did not go rock climbing and I also did not work out on Saturday. Attached is a picture of the shirt I got at Peak Experience a couple of weeks ago with excuses for not going -

"I'm too short, I'm to old, I'm way to tired, I'm sore, I'm hungry", and many more.

But the good news is I found something to swim in (also got new shoes - per doc) and starting this week Donna (my trainer) and I are going to hit the pool. She is excited but I am still not sure. Let's face it I am the one that has to do this and I am the one that has to change and I am the one that has to get in the pool - with all that said I am going to put on my big girl pants and do it. Thanks to all of you for the encouraging words so many of you showed me that I can get over my fear and look toward my goal - it means so much to me that you all care. Keep it coming I am going to need it. I will try and have some photos for ya but I am not sure yet we will see. I will keep you updated thanks again!

Thank you for all the encouragement and wisdom!

Just a quick thank you to all of you about my fear of working out in the pool - I am working on getting my courage up so I can step into the pool and take charge and not let anything or anyone stop me. Thanks for all of your support and suggestions my goal this weekend is to find the perfect swimming outfit and make it work!

Small note: I am also going rock climbing again this weekend I will post new photos for all to see.

One of my favorites quotes:

“Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.”
by: Dorothy Thompson:

Good news...but something scary......

Went to the sports med doctor today and all looks good but it seems I have a muscle strain and my muscles are also very tight - so he suggested that I am over doing it on my training and I need to work on getting new shoes, cross training, foot and ankle exercises to be done before working out and most importantly working out in the pool. Well, my trainer will be happy she has been trying to convince me to work out in the pool for some time now but I am so reluctant due to the fact I do not like bathing suits. At 300 lbs I really don't like the idea of looking like a whale and the thought of working out in front of all the people at the gym at the hour I go is not something I am looking forward to doing. I have not worn a bathing suit since my son was 9 months old (that is the picture on this page) - I know all of this is in my head and if I just could get my head to listen to reason and learn that this is good for me I would be better off (better said than done). My Doctor said it will be a better cardio work (as did my trainer) out and I will lose more weight (and I am all for that) and I also need to really give it a try. So Donna (my trainer) I guess you WIN! I just have to find a way to be comfortable in my own skin and not focus too much on everybody else around me and just be myself. Ok ok I know I am a 41 year old women and this should not be a big deal right - I feel like such a little kid – I need help ladies any advise? What do you wear to the pool?

To Tofu or not...................

I have been trying out some new foods this week and one of them is Tofu. My expectations for it were not that high. Everyone I know says how you can eat that, it taste terrible. Well I decided to give it a try because I am stuck on 309 lbs and I need to loss 10 lbs to be under 300 by the 19th of August (my next weigh in at the Doc's office). One of my friends suggested using it in spaghetti - well she did not have to ask me twice (because most of you know spaghetti is my favorite food of all time) so I bought some whole wheat spaghetti and some tofu and proceeded to figure out how to make it taste good. Let's just say it was nothing like I thought it would be - It has no taste at all. I had this horrible image made up already of something that was so foreign to me. I have been reading up on Tofu and here is a brief description of where it came from:

Tofu, also Tōfu (豆腐, Tōfu?) (the Japanese Romaji spelling), doufu (the Chinese Pinyin spelling often used in Chinese recipes) or bean curd (the literal translation), is a food of Chinese origin,[1] made by coagulating soy milk, and then pressing the resulting curds into blocks. There are many different varieties of tofu, including fresh tofu and tofu that has been processed in some way. Tofu has very little flavor or smell on its own, so it can be used either in savory or sweet dishes, and is often seasoned or marinated to suit the dish.The production of tofu from soy milk is similar to the production of cheese from milk, although some tofu is made by processing non-soy products, such as almonds or black beans. The byproduct of the process is soy pulp (also called okara in Japanese).Tofu originated in ancient China,[1] but little else is known about the origins of tofu and its method of production. Tofu and its production technique were subsequently introduced into Korea, then Japan during the Nara period (late eighth century). It also spread into other parts of East Asia as well. This spread likely coincided with the spread of Buddhism as it is an important source of proteins in the religion's vegetarian diet.[2]Tofu is low in calories, contains beneficial amounts of iron (especially important for women of child-bearing age) and has no saturated fat or cholesterol. Depending on the coagulant used in manufacturing, the tofu may also be high in calcium (important for bone development and maintenance), and magnesium (especially important for athletes). Tofu also contains soy isoflavones, which can mimic natural human estrogens and may have a variety of harmful or beneficial effects when eaten in sufficient quantities.

There are different varieties of it you can get noodles, hot dogs, cheese and I even saw something that looked like sausage so if you are willing to try something new and want to increase your protein/iron or just to have lower calories I suggest giving it a try. I will do anything at this point to help with losing the weight any suggestions? I am going to find new ways to cook with it and I will share them with you guys when I do. Do you have any recipes for Tofu? Please share.

Out with old.....but it fits!

This weekend I went through my closet to see if any of my "old" clothes would fit. Since it has been 3 months since I started exercising and losing some body fat I thought it would be a good idea. I went into this not expecting too much to come out of it but I was surprised to see that one of my favorite shirts FITS (pic attached)!

Yeah, after my terrible trip 2 weeks ago looking for shirts this was such a relief for me. I continued to plunder through my boxes and I came out with about 4 shirts that I could not wear before that I can now add back into my closet. I did try on some old jeans and some pants I like but they are not quite there yet. I have to say this is a great sign for me and it really boosted my confidence. I cannot wait until I can fit into that size 8 pair of jeans I have my eye on. With hard work and my will to get it done I know it will happen.

I hope you guys enjoyed the rock climbing pics I am going to add some new ones next week (this will be a monthly update since I am determined to make it to the top). And yes to everyone who cannot believe it was really me in the pics it is!!! Just for future reference my next goal to tackle is white water river rafting...it sounds too good to pass up!


Thanks guys for keeping up with me...............

1 down and 1,000 to go............

Many of you might not know that I am TERRIFIED of heights and when I set out on my new journey I made a list of things I would love to accomplish and one of them is to get over my fear of them. Today I challenged myself to do just that, I went to the Peak Experiences - they are an indoor rock climbing center (website is http://www.peakexperiences.com/). I was so nervous but ready to give it a try and face the thing that has me terrified beyond belief. I took my Mom (fyi who is 62) she was so ready and she really did surprise me more than I think she knows. I actually made it off the ground - Jeff (our instructor) was kind enough to be so patient with me and then he guided us through the do's and don'ts and what to expect vs what not, he then tightened us in our harnesses then proceeded to lead us to one of the walls. I went first since it was my idea and I have to say I even did better than I thought I would until I looked down (yeah I know a no no) that is when I had to let go (which left me hanging in the air - oh my) - all in all it was a great experience and a great workout (my arms are hurting so bad but in a good way). I am planning on going back in 2 weeks and giving it a try again my goal is to make it to the very top (which is farther than I can ever imagine making it to right now). I encourage all of you to try something that you never thought you could do. I am surprising myself each week with things I NEVER thought I could do - and I know you can to - just get up and try it I know you can think of one thing that you have always wanted to do but never thought possible (believe me I can think of many). I really could just make excuses and sit on the couch and just not do anything or even live life but as I always say, I give myself permission to live the life I choose...........get up and just do it!

Jeff the instructor
The Fearless 2!

I have posted some pics of the experience to share with you guys.......have fun choosing your goal and leave me a post I would love to hear about what you challenged yourself to do.

Weigh In and set back.....

I got some good news at the doctor’s office yesterday I lost 3 lbs. Yeah! But the bad news is I have stressed myself out so much over my weight gain that my blood pressure is up, my acid reflux is creeping around and my ankle is giving me enough fits that I have to go see a "sports injury" doctor (wow I finally can claim I am involved in a sport - called exercise) to see what the problem is. Since my ankle has been acting up I have not been able to exercise the way I need to which leads me back to losing the weight. In 3 weeks I go back to the doctor for a follow up and my goal is to loss 10 lbs so I can finally say I am less than 300 lbs. (which is my dream!). My doc seems to think no sweat you can do it but with my history in the last few weeks I am beginning to doubt myself (that stress creeping in again).

Last night I went to the bodypump class again (per doc's orders anything that will aggravate the ankle don't do IT! - ok ok) and I have to say I did a lot better this week than last. I had the same great women who assisted me last week in attendance and also my trainer (Donna) who was kind enough to support me and make sure I am on target. She did a lot better than I did and I am proud of her! Big THANKS! We decided that I will be taking the class every week now and I am really looking forward to it, all the aches and pains are worth it because you get the whole experience in 1 hour (and this week’s teacher was amazing he really reaches out to the class and gets you going). I highly recommend this to anyone who wants to try something new. Go out and do it!

Tomorrow (Saturday) I am going to do something I have always wanted to do (and is one of the goals I have set for myself).....Intrigued???? I will post pics tomorrow and give you full details.

Thanks everyone for riding this journey with me much appreciated!